CONT'D: Elian the Alien | Page 1, 2

We're suckers for a good cry. We fight the Revolutionary War to get away from monarchy, then wail louder than the Brits when Princess Diana dies. Why? It's not just because she was so young and had two good boys and seemed like a good person. Lies. We do it because we have to make the loudest noise. We have to be the best - whether it is in war or mourning or protesting. America is just such a damn good country. No wonder the French hate us.

Elian's figured it out. He said on "Good Morning America" that he wanted to stay here. "See," his adopted family cries, "it's what the child wants." Of course, they brush over the fact that the boy's been wined and dined the last six months on Mickey Mouse and Pokemon. They don't mention the 100s of protesters congregating outside his home shouting his name. They never point out that his female caregiver is pretty damn hot and any boy would be mental not to want to stay with her.

Sure the kid wants to live here. Look at all of the fun he's having. My niece doesn't like going home with her parents either. Are they commies? No, she just doesn't like naps. Just because America has more bitchin' stuff to do, it doesn't mean it's right (morally or legally) for the kid to stay. What does he have to look forward to after the hoopla dies down? Besides the inevitable movie of the week, book of the month and obligatory heroin addiction of every preteen star?

I'll tell you what he has to look forward to - a life of knowing that all of the adulation put on him was because he was a political pawn, not a beautiful and unique snowflake. He has an opportunity for reality to slap him in the face when he turns 13 and no one cares about the "cute kid in the raft." He has the cold, stark realization that the media uses you, whores you out, then drops you when your life goes from "Behind the Music" to "Where are They Now?"

His prospects in Cuba probably aren't much better. Even though he's assured a job in a Nike factory when he returns. Either that or, stung from his exile, he'll grow up to be a revolutionary that overturns Uncle Fidel. See? Everyone wins!

Hasn't everyone's patience worn thin? If there's one more story about the kid, we're all going to flip out and do something crazy - like vote for George W. The child has been placed on the same train as all of the other over-hyped participants of our tabloid-heavy national news. You can take him, Darva Conger, Rick Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford, O.J. Simpson and Monica Lewinsky and ship them all to Cuba, where they can toll away in obscurity at some cigar processing plant in Havana.

"Bastard," you cringe, "the child is different, he's a 'victim of circumstance.'" The last phrase is in quotation marks because we don't really know what happened at sea. Elian might have been the mastermind of the plan. Perhaps, days into the mission, he started to doubt his chances of getting asylum in America. Maybe it was then that he thought a little accident in the ocean might give him a better chance to stay.

Sure he's only six-years-old, but did you ever see "The Omen?" Drew Barrymore was smoking crack when she was 13 and Tracy Lords made her first porno when she was 8 (OK, maybe she was 16). Kids do the darndest things.

Maybe Elian is the antichrist. You never know.

Enough is enough. The perfect solution for this problem is out there: Place young Elian back in middle of the ocean, at the halfway point between Cuba and the U.S. If he floats to America, he gets to stay with his hot cousin (who, in all honesty, is hot), if he lands in Cuba, then "give El Presidente a big hug."

Regardless, the quicker this situation is resolved the better our lives will be. No more shots of little sea-faring children. No more footage of Fidel Castro with that freaky smile on his face. No more shots of Elian's hot cousin (oh, wait, damn!).

The intertube is inflated and sitting in my garage. All we need is a boat, nice traveling weather and a strong gust of wind.

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