Elian the Alien
A Love Story

By Tim Hager
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April 12, 2000 | Page 1, 2

My ability to endure Elian Gonzalez ran out - four months ago.

So, appreciate the anguish as I endure weekly, daily, hourly updates of the cutest illegal alien since ALF. Yes, he's six-years-old and a so-called victim of circumstance. Yes, he's the poster child for the fight between the U.S. and our old nemesis Fidel. Yes, there's all that garbage about the innocence of a child and the preciousness of youth and how we're supposed to love and honor and blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.

Harsh? Maybe. But who can sustain compassion for something that has been stuck down our throats for the past six months? Elian isn't even a real boy anymore; he's made-for-TV movie with Gloria Estefan as his mother, Edward James Olmos as his dad and a soundtrack featuring Celine Dion. He's a creation of a society that desires tragedy so that we can avoid looking at our own pathetic lives.

Elian, in case you've been without television for the past six months (but suddenly find yourself with this computer), is the Cuban kid who floated to our shores in November. As the story goes, Elian's mother snatched the boy from communism central, put him in a boat and headed to the U.S. of A.

But somehow - despite the traditional craftsmanship that is put into the cardboard boats manufactured by Cuban escapees - the craft capsized, killing most onboard. The boy was found, deposited on American soil, and given to some relatives living in Miami. Elian might have lived happily-ever-after, except for the fact that he has a father in Cuba who says he wants his kid back. And, as hard as it is for us home-teamers to believe, he says he's perfectly happy being a commie, and would rather not move to the States.

Granted, you never know if, while Mr. Gonzalez is giving his plea to the cameras of the Cuban Broadcasting System, three armed men stand behind the crew aiming their machine guns at his various organs. This could very well be the case; then again it might not be. Communism is funny that way.

We'll have a chance to find out soon, because the process should speed up with the arrival of Elian's father Thursday. He, along with an escort of Cuban diplomats, family members and hangers on, arrived in America to work the situation out. What this means, of course, is that out of the contingent, only 1/3 will actually return to Cuba - assuming that they all have good curve balls.

But if Daddy Gonzalez honestly want his child back, why don't we just give the kid to him, free of fuss? Doesn't he have the right to live where he wants? If Elian's mother had taken him from France, would we be enduring this saga? What if, God forbid, his mother took him from America and he landed in Cuba? The uproar for the father's rights would unite both liberal and conservative politicians in a way that is usually reserved for strip clubs and hush money.

Does this make me evil or uncaring? Maybe it does and maybe it does. Will I go to hell for these sentiments? No, because God gets cable and he's sick of it all too.

No one is free from the hype. The child's mug has been plastered on every channel for the past six months. See Elian waving to a crowd of protesters (whom always seem to be there) outside his Miami home. See Elian waving to the press at Disney World (a truer sign of the evils of a capitalist society you'll be hard pressed to find). See Elian guest starring on next week's "The Sopranos" as Tony's 6-year-old Cuban assassin.

There are websites, T-shirts, candle light visuals, news specials, pamphlets and protest marches. His name came up during our presidential debates and during the Oscar telecast. He's a catchphrase on Saturday Night Live. And who's to blame? We are.

All of us.

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