CONT'D: Something Old, Something New | Page 1, 2

Dressed in elaborate costumes, the bride and groom spend the bulk of their wedding day pretending to be different people. The handsome groom, who spent the previous evening at his bachelor party, licking Jose Cuervo out of a 20-year old stripper’s navel, now smiles at an approving priest, the picture of respectability. And who would have thought that the picturesque blushing bride nearly punched out an elderly caligrapher for spelling the word "honour" without the annoying British "u" on the invitation prototype? Everyone in the wedding party has their little role to play in the charade, from the proud drunk father-of-the-bride to the bitter slutty maid-of-honor, to weird Uncle Karl with the runny eye who nobody really wanted to invite, but felt obligated. And the little play culminates at the wedding reception, when the emcee announces "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever... Mr. and Mrs. Soupcan!" and the crowd erupts, as if Bruce Springsteen has just taken the stage. I half-expect the announcer to add "Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!" and the happy newlyweds to go ten rounds of no-holds-barred ultimate fighting. Although there are few slight variations to the cast, this same act of fiction takes place in reception halls all over this country.

Strangely enough, the innocent bystander wedding guests are obligated to surrender to the ridiculous formality of it all. I recently opened my mailbox to discover a beautifully-crafted wedding invitation from a high school friend who lives two minutes away from me and who I had seen just hours before. The simplicity of just grunting "Coming to the wedding, right?" and saving herself a stamp was completely lost on her. She, like every unfortunate bride before her, had sold her soul to the slavery of wedding etiquette.

Why all this stress-inducing detail obsession over a supposedly enjoyable activity? Seemingly, the primary reason for this wedding frenzy seems to be that almost every woman has spent an enormous chunk of her childhood dreaming of the perfect wedding day in frightening detail. Despite the incalculable strides that the female population of America has achieved in the last few decades, the subconscious addiction to a fantasy wedding, far too perfect for reality to even approach, remains steadfastly ingrained in even the most progressive of women. Sadly, many women rest their self-worth in terms of their relationships with men. Wedding obsession manifests this phenomenon quite clearly.

In true American capitalist fashion, big business plays a major role in women hanging their hopes and esteem on the success of the wedding. Caterers, tailors, dress-makers, florists, photographers, church officials—the giant cogs of the powerful wedding industry continue to churn, leaving none safe from their money-hungry one-upmanship. Most devious of all, the wedding publications play the biggest part in perpetuating the insecure woman’s need for a bigger, better, more expensive wedding. Unfortunately, today’s marrying women comprise the lowest tier of a massive corporate pyramid.

In most pre-industrial societies, young people were forced to marry for practical reasons: financial security, severely enforced cultural tradition, or survival by procreation. In 1999, such threats no longer motivate us. Overpopulation has rendered procreative concerns obsolete. Out of their kitchen prisons, women no longer rely on men for financial survival. Sure, there are still "gold-diggers" who marry rich guys they don’t love, but we all look down our noses at their practicality and lack of romance. And cultural tradition, while still barely alive, certainly lingers on life support. So why do the wedding ceremonies continue unabated? Is it true? Does love really conquer all?

As was touched upon earlier, the wedding fodder of today are products of divorced parents. As a result, only the hopelessly naive and brain-touched truly believe that their impending marriage will definitely work out for the best. Most rational individuals realize on some level that just because they love someone right now doesn’t mean they can (or should) live with them for eternity. These sentiments are not mere personal pessimism—a 50/50 divorce rate, as well as the sad state of most modern marriages are right there to back me up. Love is wonderful, but love versus a fifty percent chance of failure?

Perhaps this stark reality is precisely the core reason behind the glorious, ostentatious wedding day. The abstract concept of marriage equals a potentially unpleasant reality: fighting over bills, sexual malaise, infuriating car trips to Maine. Marriage is a very sobering reality. The wedding, on the other hand, is a dreamy day in which fantasy happily supercedes reality, everyone looks much more beautiful than they deserve, and no one leaves the seat up or has to sleep on the wet spot. Really, the wedding and the marriage have surprisingly little to do with each other. Unlike a married partnership, we can control every detail of a wedding, making sure everything is just right. In short, the recent increase in frequency of weddings exists because of the decline in quality of marriage, and it makes perfect sense. In the face of the overwhelming mistreatment of women by useless men, every grown up little girl wants at least one day out her life to be good, hopeful, and as perfect as she dreamed.

Hang on for Part 2 of Brendan Clarke’s exploration of the wedding phenomenon, coming soon to PopPulse!

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Brendan Clarke is an editor for this magazine.
E-mail: brendanclarke@poppulse.com