CONT'D: Valentine's Day Special! | Page 1, 2

Dear Velvet,
Please settle a friendly dispute for me and my friends. What's the best music to play for a romantic Valentine's date?
-Mixmistress Mona

Dear Mona,
Selecting music for an occasion is a talent on par with selecting wine for dinner. You want something appropriate, unpredictable perhaps, nothing cheap and obvious, something unobtrusive yet whimsical. Herewith my picks, in no particular order, and I know I'm just barely scratching the surface.
Vocalists, male: You can't go wrong with Frank, Tony, or Marvin. For less groove and more mellow, look no further than Leonard Cohen. If your date has a dry sense of humor, follow up with anything ever recorded by Stephin Merritt.
Vocalists, female: Billie Holliday is obvious, but how about my girl Patsy Cline? She has some sweet ballads ("Crazy," for example) that'll knock your Stetson off. Feeling francais? Edith Piaf, mon ami(e).
Classical: Avoid Rachmaninoff at all costs, unless you want to drown in syrup. Anything that involves sweeping violins and anything that sounds like that diamond jewelry commercial should be avoided. Lizst or Chopin - always in good taste.
Make a tape: record all the Spinanes' slow songs, for example. Make sure you put "Hawaiian Baby" on there, and be prepared for swoonfest 2000. Include "Snow Owl" by the Mountain Goats, "Gazebo" by the Wedding Present, "Pale Blue Eyes" by the Velvet Underground, and "Don't Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder)" by the Beach Boys. Yowza!
Final words: Kenny G is never appropriate. Ever.

Dear Velvet,
My boyfriend's sweet, but he's irrationally obsessed with a certain TV siren. He even called me her name when we were making out the other night! What should I do?
-Tuned Out in Toledo

Holy Toledo, Batgirl,
This won't do. Sounds like your guy is having a little trouble with that fine line between fantasy and reality. Fantasies are fine, but when they start treading on the toes of actual human beings, it's time to change the channel.
Perhaps he could use a taste of his own medicine. Go home and call him "Mulder." If he gets annoyed, point out (gently) that it's not very nice, is it? If he refuses to see your point, show him the door. Obsessive boyfriends are a drag, and high-flyin' ladies don't need them.

Dear Velvet,
I'm lonely.
-Lonely

Dear Lonely,
This is the one complaint that yours truly hears most and understands least. Now, don't get me wrong - it's not that my life is one big nonstop social whirl (I put it on pause occasionally, because too many cosmopolitans are bad for the liver) - but why is it so many people equate being alone with being lonely? My friend, the two are not the same.
Maybe I'm biased. As an only child, I spent much of my youth with me, myself, and I. The Brown household was such that little Velvet was, for the most part, left to her own devices. And now, as a fully-grown diva, I find myself craving solitude. Two years ago I left a New Year's party thrown by someone whose name you'd recognize, simply because I wanted to go home and put my feet up.
Solitude is wonderful, and it's a scarce commodity these days. Traveling solo can be a fabulous, eye-opening experience. When you're alone, you call the shots. You move through the day at your own pace, letting your mind wander wherever it will. Being alone can be the most luxurious treat ever.
I wonder, Lonely, if you really know how to spend time with yourself. It's a social skill like any other, and one worth learning. Become comfortable with the sound of your own thoughts. Did I just write that? Oh lord, I'm so sorry, I just came back from yoga class, and I'm all Zen-like.
Of course, if what you're really saying to me is "there's this girl who I think is the creme de la creme, but I'm scared to say anything," for heaven's sake stop being a wimp and give her a call. Velvet frowns on chickens unless they're being roasted. Bottom line: practice the art of happy solitude. Then pick up the phone and dial the coolest girl you know. She'll be madly impressed with your self-confidence, maturity, and centeredness. Trust me, I'm an advice columnist!

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Velvet Brown is PopPulse’s arbiter of good taste and decorum. Submit your questions by emailing velvet@poppulse.com.