Valentine's Day Special!

by Velvet Brown
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February, 16 2000

Dear Velvet,
Roses are boring, chocolate is done. Don't even speak to me of stuffed bears. What's a V-Day gift that'll really impress?
-Creative Casanova

Dear Creative,
First of all, congratulations. You're doing what few dare to do - woo with your brain cells fully engaged. Are you artistically inclined? Can you paint a picture or sculpt? I had a friend once who had a knack with stained glass, and let me tell you, he never suffered for a date. A lovely handmade work of art (however simple) will last longer and be sweeter than Godiva, you can bank on that.
But suppose you lack the creative fire. That's all right. Call in the sense of humor troops, summon a dash of cool-but-sensitive irony! Look, we all know Valentine's Day is goofy. Work with it. Make a four-foot construction paper heart and tape it to someone's window. Leave a trail of conversation hearts leading to your front door. Kitsch yes, but in a GOOD way. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge!

Dear Velvet,
Is it appropriate to give my boss a card for Valentine's Day?
-Secretary Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,
As Alex Trebek (my favorite Canadian) would say, be more specific. Is your boss male or female? Attractive or un? Single or attached? Aware of your existence or not? If you enjoy a friendly relationship with the boss, go right ahead. It's not unusual for friends to swap V-Day cards, but realize that your employer might not think to get cards for the office. Keep the card simple and non-effusive, and make sure you remember other co-workers too (unless you want to make it look like you're singling the boss out for romantic attention). Rule of thumb: pink hearts are cute, but brown noses are ugly.

Dear Velvet,
My fiancee is allergic to flowers, nuts, and chocolate. What can I get her for Valentine's Day?
-Stymied Shopper

Dear Stymied,
How about allergy shots?

Dear Velvet,
I just want to say, I hate Valentine's Day, and I hate the stupid people who celebrate it. Am I allowed to punch them when I see them on the sidewalk with their stupid lovey-dovey foil hearts and dumb flowers?
-Bitter Boy

Dear Bitter,
Ouch! Sounds like you got bitten somewhere sensitive. What happened? Tell Velvet. Did your date hang up on you? Forget to call back? Run off with the waiter? Mister Boy, you need to rant and rave right now, and that's fine with me. Invest in a punching bag, because live targets lead to lawsuits. Then pick yourself up and move on, or at the very least, do something productive with all your bitter energy. Spill the acid from your soul into a venomous post-modernist novel, then get it published, make the bestseller lists, and watch the one who scorned you try to get an autograph!

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